Nike Ends Contract With Brittney Griner Amid Backlash Over National Anthem Protests, Riley Says: “The World Doesn’t Need Griner”

In a move that has shocked the sports world and delighted armchair patriots everywhere, Nike has decided to end its contract with WNBA star Brittney Griner. The decision comes after weeks of backlash over her refusal to stand for the national anthem—a protest that has some people in a tizzy because apparently, the very fabric of America is stitched together with the threads of standing during a song.

The announcement was made in a press release so serious that even the folks at The Onion had to take notes. “We at Nike have always prided ourselves on supporting athletes who embody the spirit of competition, excellence, and the American dream,” the statement began, as if anyone had ever really associated Nike with apple pie or Fourth of July barbecues. “However, when that spirit comes into conflict with the values of our great nation—namely, standing still for a couple of minutes while a song plays—we must reconsider our partnerships.”

Griner, a two-time Olympic gold medalist and a trailblazer in women’s sports, was reportedly blindsided by the decision. “I thought Nike was all about innovation and pushing boundaries,” she said, scratching her head in disbelief. “But I guess standing up—literally—is where they draw the line. I just hope they don’t find out that I sometimes wear mismatched socks.”

The news has set off a firestorm on social media, with hashtag warriors taking up arms on both sides of the debate. Supporters of Griner, who argue that she has the right to protest in any way she sees fit, have been met with fierce opposition from those who believe that kneeling during the national anthem is akin to spitting on George Washington’s grave. One particularly vocal critic, Riley “The Patriot” McDonald, a 55-year-old who last played sports when dodgeball was still allowed in middle schools, took to his blog to declare that “The world doesn’t need Griner.”

“Griner is the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with America today,” wrote Riley, who once got into a fistfight at a bar over whether NASCAR was a sport. “She’s tall, talented, and—worst of all—she thinks she’s allowed to have opinions. Well, I’m here to say that the world doesn’t need her, or her so-called ‘right’ to protest. What we need are more athletes who know their place—standing at attention with their hand over their heart, just like the Founding Fathers intended.”

Riley’s blog post quickly went viral, attracting a legion of supporters who also believe that patriotism is best expressed through ritualistic conformity. “I don’t care if Griner can dunk, shoot, or lead a team to victory,” commented one user who goes by the handle @FreedomFriesForever. “If she can’t stand for the anthem, she’s not a real American. Also, can we talk about how much she gets paid? I mean, come on!”

The backlash has been particularly severe given that Nike has long been associated with athletes who challenge the status quo. From Colin Kaepernick to Serena Williams, the company has built a reputation for supporting those who use their platform to speak out against injustice. But apparently, there’s a limit to how much rebellion even Nike can handle, and it turns out that limit is a 6’9” basketball player with a penchant for making people uncomfortable.

“We thought about making a new ad campaign around Griner’s protest,” said one Nike executive who asked to remain anonymous. “Something like ‘Just Kneel It’ or ‘Stand for Something, Even if It Means Kneeling,’ but then we realized that might be a bit too on the nose. Plus, we started getting nervous when we saw how many American flag emojis were being tweeted at us.”

Griner, for her part, seems to be taking the news in stride. “I’ve always been about more than just endorsements,” she said in a statement that was as gracious as it was biting. “But hey, if Nike doesn’t want me, maybe I’ll see if Adidas is more into free speech.”

Despite the controversy, some are predicting that this won’t be the end of Griner’s career—or her activism. “She’s too good, too important to be silenced,” said one sports analyst. “If anything, this might just make her even more of a symbol for those who believe in the right to protest. And let’s be honest, there’s nothing more American than fighting for your rights, even if that means losing a sneaker deal.”

Meanwhile, Riley and his followers are reportedly gearing up for their next battle: a campaign to require all athletes to stand during the anthem, preferably with a bald eagle perched on their shoulder and fireworks going off in the background. “We can’t let these protests ruin sports,” Riley declared in a recent tweet. “Next thing you know, they’ll be kneeling during baseball games—and that’s when we’ll know America is truly lost.”

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: whether standing or kneeling, Griner is far from fading into obscurity. And while Nike may have ended their partnership, it seems that the world—despite Riley’s claims—still very much needs Brittney Griner.

In fact, if there’s one lesson to be learned from this whole saga, it’s that the true measure of an athlete isn’t how they stand, but how they stand up for what they believe in. And if that means ruffling a few feathers along the way—well, isn’t that what sports are all about?