Breaking: Harrison Butker Signs $10 Million Deal with ABC for a New Show, “It’s Going to Replace The View”

A famous football kicker got everyone scratching their heads. Well, yes, the ABC Network has given Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker a huge $10 million deal to host a new talk show. We may be missing a TV host who is an expert in kicking footballs but not brains.

No wonder if the American Democrats are behind this move. As we all know, they’re always talking about “kicking” things—kicking the can down the road, kicking the ball into the end zone of progress, kicking the Republicans out of office—maybe they figured, why not kick the traditional TV hosting model out the window too?

Perhaps they might be trying to appeal to Middle America, you know, the folks who love football, and… well, that’s about it. It’s a clever plot, really—get a football player to host a talk show, and suddenly, you’ve got a whole new demographic tuning in. Next thing you know, they’ll be nominating Tom Brady for president!

Fun fact: maybe this is the new American dream. Forget about becoming a doctor, lawyer, or tech mogul. Kids, start working on those field goals! Apparently, booting a ball through the uprights is the ticket to unimaginable wealth.

Imagine being in the Butker household right now. “Hey Mom, Dad, guess what? I signed a $100 million contract!” “Oh honey, that’s wonderful! What will you do with all that money?” “Well, I’ll probably just keep kicking footballs… but now I can buy nice cleats!”

And let’s not forget the negotiations. “Alright, Harrison, here’s the deal. We’re prepared to offer you $5 million.” “Hmm, how about $10 million?” “Deal!” I mean, this guy has got some serious negotiation skills. Can we get him to handle some peace talks or maybe sort out Congress?

Here’s the thing: TV hosting isn’t just about looking good on camera (although, let’s be real, Butker is certainly easy on the eyes). It’s about substance, wit, and the ability to tackle tough topics with grace and intelligence. Can Butker deliver? We’re not holding our breath!

But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Butker’s got a hidden talent for TV hosting, and we’ll all be eating our words come premiere time. Until then, we’ll just have to sit back, relax, and enjoy the spectacle of a football player trying to fill the shoes of TV legends like Oprah and Ellen!

But hey, what was going through the minds of ABC executives when they thought, “You know who’d be perfect to host a talk show? A football player!” Did they think, “Hey, Butker’s got a strong leg, maybe he can kick some life into our sagging ratings”? Or perhaps, “He’s got a charming smile, that’s all the qualifications he needs to tackle complex issues like politics and social justice”? Is this a desperate attempt by ABC to cash in on Butker’s NFL fame?

And folks, don’t even get me started on what this means for fantasy football. Your kicker is now the most expensive player on your roster. Better start drafting Butker in the first round, or you’re not playing to win!

So here’s to you, Harrison Butker. May your kicks be accurate, your bank account ever-swelling, and your sense of humor intact because you just became the highest-paid benchwarmer in history. Cheers!

Stay tuned, folks! It’s going to be a wild ride, full of twists and turns and maybe even a few touchdowns—or, should we say, a few fumbles?