NCAA: Lia Thomas Loses All Of His Medals, Riley Gaines Is Getting Them All

In an unprecedented move that has left sports fans, commentators, and athletes around the globe reeling, the NCAA has decided to retroactively strip Lia Thomas of all his medals and reassign them to Riley Gaines.

The decision, announced at a hastily arranged press conference, has been dubbed “The Great Re-Medaling,” a sweeping reform that experts say could redefine competitive sports as we know them.

According to sources close to the NCAA, the governing body of collegiate athletics convened a secret tribunal that included the ghosts of sports legends past, a few very vocal Twitter users, and a Magic 8-Ball. The tribunal’s purpose? To determine the fairest way to handle the controversy surrounding Thomas, the transgender swimmer who, some argue, has unfairly dominated women’s swimming events.

The tribunal’s decision to revoke Thomas’s medals and award them all to Riley Gaines, a cisgender competitor, was not taken lightly. NCAA officials insist that they considered every angle, including the possible outrage from both sides of the debate, before landing on the “only solution that truly makes sense in today’s hyper-polarized world.”

“Finally, fairness has been restored to the world of college athletics,” said an NCAA spokesperson, who appeared visibly relieved to be closing this contentious chapter. “We’ve heard the cries for justice, and we’re proud to have delivered it in the most heavy-handed, nonsensical way possible.”

In response, Riley Gaines, who was caught completely off guard by the announcement, reportedly asked, “Are they serious?” Her confusion is understandable; after all, this decision marks the first time in NCAA history that medals have been reassigned in such a dramatic fashion.

The public reaction has been as mixed as one might expect. On one side, traditionalists are celebrating the decision as a victory for women’s sports. “It’s about time someone took a stand,” said one commentator, who conveniently overlooked the fact that taking away medals isn’t exactly a stand—it’s more of a sidestep.

Meanwhile, those in favor of transgender rights are understandably outraged. “This is a blatant attack on transgender athletes,” said a spokesperson for the Coalition for Transgender Equality in Sports. “What’s next? Will the NCAA start deciding winners and losers based on a coin flip?”

On social media, the decision has sparked a wave of memes, jokes, and heated arguments. One viral tweet read: “If they’re just handing out medals now, I’d like to retroactively claim my gold from the third-grade sack race. Fair is fair!”

The ramifications of this decision could be far-reaching. Already, there are murmurs that other sports organizations might follow suit. Could we see the International Olympic Committee reassigning medals from past competitions? Will the NFL retroactively award Super Bowl rings to teams that “should have” won based on today’s standards of fairness?

Sports historians are having a field day speculating on what this could mean. “Imagine if we start re-awarding medals for every questionable call in sports history,” mused one analyst. “The possibilities are endless. We could be rewriting the record books for centuries!”

As the dust settles from this bombshell announcement, another layer of absurdity has emerged: Riley Gaines has decided to decline the medals.

In a statement released on her social media channels, Gaines explained, “While I appreciate the NCAA’s attempt to correct what they see as an injustice, I can’t in good conscience accept these medals. They belong to Lia Thomas, who earned them fair and square. We should be celebrating all athletes, regardless of their gender identity.”

Her refusal has left the NCAA scrambling to figure out what to do next. Rumors suggest they may hold an open contest where anyone can submit a 100-word essay on why they deserve the medals. The best submissions will be awarded a random selection of the medals that Gaines has so graciously refused.

In this new era of sports justice, where medals can be reassigned, winners re-declared, and history rewritten, it seems nothing is off-limits. Whether this marks the beginning of a fairer, more just world of athletics or the descent into complete absurdity remains to be seen.

One thing is certain: This decision by the NCAA has ensured that the debate over transgender athletes is far from over. It’s a conversation that will continue to evolve, with or without the input of the Magic 8-Ball.

As for Lia Thomas and Riley Gaines, they may find themselves forever linked in the annals of sports history—not for their performances in the pool, but for the bizarre circumstances that led to The Great Re-Medaling. Whether this is a victory for fairness or a cautionary tale about the dangers of overcorrecting, only time will tell.

For now, all we can do is sit back, enjoy the show, and wait for the next unexpected twist in the wild, wonderful world of college sports.