For over 20 years, Mariska Hargitay has been playing the iconic role of on NBC’s “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” There have been hundreds of episodes featuring Benson in all her SVU glory, often tackling subjects that are too difficult or personal for some viewers to bear. In fact, there’s one episode in particular that even Hargitay can’t bring herself to watch, but not for reasons that you’d think. 

“They sent me the link so many times and I was actually too nervous to watch it,” Hargitay explained on  back in October. The episode in question was filmed earlier this year and left a deeply emotional mark on Hargitay.

So what could be causing the  legend to avoid watching this specific “SVU” episode? And why did it have such an emotional toll on her?

Mariska Hargitay can’t watch SVU’s 500th episode

While some people avoid watching  because of the disturbing or all-too-familiar subject matter, Mariska Hargitay has a different personal reason for avoiding the 500th episode that aired back in late October.

“Obviously I’ve been doing this show for so long and Olivia Benson is in me, but I think that the idea of the 500th episode was so much pressure or something on me,” Hargitay explained during her

appearance. “It’s a marathon and you’re on the hamster wheel of lines, lines, lines, lines, lines, cuts, cuts, cuts, edits, new scripts,” she said. “Some episodes aren’t quite as difficult, but for me, this was sort of like this moment to take in what we’ve made, what we’ve created.” 

The 500th episode of “SVU” aired on October 21 and featured the return of Christopher Meloni’s and Danny Pino’s . Hargitay is expected to keep portraying Benson until at least Season 24, which is when her contract is reportedly up. “I’m in it for the long haul,” she once told reporters in June 2018 (per ). “I said, ‘You keep writing like this, I’ll stay for 25 years.’ Why would I leave? I’m so grateful.”